Sunday, March 6, 2011

This Week in Old Shit: The Terminator and etc.

(I decided to write a little thing about Terminators and within I have thrown a few pics of old Terminator branded toys I found in my dad's basement. Enjoy.)

One of the first movies I can ever remember watching is 1984's The Terminator. This means, of course, that Linda Hamilton's are the first boobs I ever laid eyes on. I was pretty lucky. Ah, childhood memories, right guys? Anyway.
Pictured: Early Masturbatory Aids

I decided to watch The Terminator again last night, and a few things popped into my mind. Number one, well, the title is kind of hilarious when you think about it. It definitely sounds like an 80's title. Had it been made today, it could have been far worse.  It might have been called "Future Robots 3D", "Time Borg" or my personal contribution, "HOLYFUCKTHERESKILLERROBOTS?!" Similarly, this argument can be made about the movie Predator, or as I call it, "RASTAFUCKINGSPACEHUNTER?!"

Number two; If this movie were to come out this year, you wouldn't watch it. Your friend would come up to you and say, "Hey bro (I don't know how your fucking friends talk) there's this movie about a time traveling robot called The Terminator and it stars this foreign guy that has these huge man tits," you'd probably elbow-fuck your friend in the face and shout 'THAT IS THE WORST IDEA FOR A MOVIE EVER AND I WILL KILL YOUR PARENTS IF YOU SEE IT." There are loads of bullshit time traveling and robot movies nowadays, all of which suck enough to create vacuum in time for which all rational thought in Hollywood has apparently been captured.  I digress.  Since it was made in 1984, the movie somehow escapes all that. It was pretty revolutionary at the time, and also, it's just a great fucking movie. But no robot buttsex movie from Hollywood yet. Yet.
A tragedy, really.

My third point is this; It was their Inception. Before you vomit, think about. Seriously think about it. Reese goes into the past because  
1. He's in love with the mother of the future from hearing stories of her and her picture (before Facebook stalking existed). 
2. Reese ends up being the father of John Connor, leader of the human resistance, the only man he looks up to in the future as a father figure.
3. Reese specifically mentions to Sarah that she looks sad in the photo, and at the end of movie we find out she's really sad because Reese was dead. Fuck me.
Do you see how much of a mindfuck this movie is? When it came out lots of people hated it for seemingly trying to be too complicated. They hated it because the ending wasn't so happy, in fact it could have been down right infuriating. She basically says 'Soon the world will end,' and drives down the road in a Jeep Renegade. How the fuck do you end a movie with the knowledge the world is going to end anyway? But they did. And, somehow, all these things that sound stupid on their own come together and make a great fucking movie.  They took a movie about future robots and an Austrian body builder and made one of the best sci fi movies in history. And this is from the guy who made Titanic, which may be the most overrated piece of shit ever made. Fuck you, it was. Jack dies at the end and I hate you.

Next time you think about movies like Inception and you complain its too weird or its too hyped or whatever, just think about it from this perspective; Conan was a future robot who murdered most of the cast of Aliens in a movie that featured music by a band called Tahnee Cain and The Tryanglz. Think about this next time because Hicks blows himself up and Bishop gets shot to death by the kindergarten cop. Do you have a phase plasma rifle with a forty watt range? No? Go suck a cyborg's dick. Rediculous movies aren't always bad movies. Even ones with robots.  Unless its a Transformers movie.

At least there aren't any racist Terminators. But that's another story.


  1. holy crap, I remember playing with those toys at the babysitters!

  2. Times spent with cyborgs are more innocent times, I think.


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